State of Intoxication

United Arab Emirates Crown Prince and deputy supreme commander of the armed forces Mohamed bin Zayed (MBZ), has convened a meeting of his finance and economy ministers. Present at the meeting are deputy prime minister and finance minister Maktoum bin Mohammed – son of Dubai’s ruler, minister of tolerance and coexistence Nahyan bin Mubarak, minister of state for financial affairs Mohamed Hadi Al Hussaini, minister of state for international cooperation Reem bint Ibrahim Al Hashemy, and economy minister Abdulla bin Touq.

MBZ initiates the proceedings, “We are the Gulf’s second-biggest economy, and we must reposition ourselves as a global hub for business and finance.”

Abdulla bin Touq offers, “Your Royal Highness, we are heading to exceed 4% growth this year. We will also create more than 30,000 jobs this year… Your Royal Highness, you have taken the wise step of decriminalizing the consumption of alcohol… no more need of a license…”

MBZ interjects, “Indeed, I looked in the directions of the United States and the United Kingdom… I envisaged what the American and British tourists look for… we have the beaches… I am told that our stores stock the best bikinis in the world. Then, suddenly looking into the horizon, I met eye to eye with Her Majesty, the Queen… Elizabeth… I realized that the tourists from those land want to drink. Then I realized that we sort of restrict the consumption of alcohol in our country. Voiding this black law was so dear to me that instead of calling my secretary, I took a marker and inscribed the order on the Chivas bottle standing nearest to me that alcohol consumption is no longer a criminal offence in the UAE.”

Nayhan bin Mubarak excitedly adds, “This means anyone who drinks or is in possession of alcohol or sells alcoholic beverages in authorized areas without an alcohol license will not face prosecution. Indeed, this is true tolerance and coexistence.

“Now compare this to our beloved U.K., where [prime minister] Boris Johnson is facing furious backlash over bring-your-own-booze event held for 100 staff of his residence at height of Covid lockdown in May 2020. They are saying that he did it while telling rest of country not to mix in groups… so, isn’t he the ruler?”

Reem bint Ibrahim asks, “Your Royal Highness, as minister of state for international cooperation, on behalf of our nation, I should announce that in true spirit of international cooperation, United Arab Emirates will reimburse to him for any fines that their ethics commission may impose on Mr. Johnson.”

Bin Touq seeks permission and informs, “Are any of you getting an idea of what we have done… this is a progressive measure that will attract more foreign direct investment and visitors to the country and ease rules for residents of the Emirates.

“But are any of you seeing tweets like I am seeing… like someone identifying a ‘straightalk’ uploaded this hadith narrated from Ibn ‘Umar that Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘Wine is cursed from ten angles: The wine itself, the one who squeezes (the grapes or other things), the one for whom it is squeezed, the one who sells it, the one who buys it, the one who carries it, the one to whom it is carried, the one who consumes its price, the one who drinks it and the one who pours it’ (Sunan Ibn Majah 3380).”

MBZ, sits up straight, and declares, “I hope that it is not some Emirati posting such stuff. If so, God forbid, then the punishment would be severe. We can’t allow people to push us back into stone age…”
Bin Touq continues, “Exactly, Your Royal Highness. And one posting reminds that the Quran says that ‘intoxicants and games of chance are abominations of Satan's handiwork’ (5:90-91). I would say that Your Royal Highness being the highest authority, should be the one establishing what is considered as ‘state of intoxication’… like if someone, after drinking, starts saying that there is no democracy in our country… yes, that is definitely state of inebriation…”

MBZ declares, “Definitely! But really folks, I wish, we had the Two Holy Places in our country… the holy mosques in Mecca and Madina… and like MBS (Saudi crown prince Mohamed Bin Salman) be the guardian of faith and have the power to overrule such mentions and proclaim, out with pesky injunctions.”