Jobs with Job Security

By Omer Bin Abdullah | November 2021

Tim Tootesworth received a warning from Whoosh Savings & Loans, his education loan lender, following the six notices that he was duly depositing in his apartment building’s recycling chute.

The letter said if he fails to comply, then the lender is legally entitled to the assets that his parents had mortgaged, and their property or asset could be auctioned or used by the lender.

Finally, it was time for Tim to act because none of the job sites and hiring agents could find a position for an undergraduate who had majored in Greek poetry and minored in 15th century Armenian anthropology from the University College of Whoosh – UCW to most.

Considering the warning’s language, he did not send it to join the six notices deposited in the recycling chute but carried it in his back pocket. He hoped that crinkling paper would help keep him focused. It was in such milieu that a headline in a newspaper in a self-service kiosk stopped him in his track, “How Feds made informants MILLIONAIRES”.

Tim promptly bought a copy and that evening poured over the news story with his partner of five years, Trish Pennyzbeg. She too was carrying a warning from her education loan lender because jobs did not exist in the field of history of obsolete musical instruments.

“Tim, this is our break. Look at the amount right here! The U.S. government has paid out at least $548 million to informants working for the FBI, Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BATF).

“We could both prosper as informants. There are lots of jobs here. Look in 2016 alone, DEA had 18,000 active informants….”

“Trish, sure looks like our jackpot. We could negotiate down payments and get our warnings pulped. But what informing could we do to get our share from this federal money cache? How to find out if FBI is keeping a watch on Armenians stuck in 15th century anthropology molds?”

“Tim, yes. I too am wondering if BATF thinks that obsolete musical instruments are being used by drug lords who play black gammon at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago…”

Answers, being elusive, they decided that things would work better if they slept over it and went for double espressos at their neighborhood Sharkbuks coffeeshop before trying to convert the elusive into unelusive queries.

Was lady luck there to help because seated in the next kiosk was Jim Brawdster, owner and operator of Whoosh County Loan & Pawnshop.

“Hi guys, pardon my interference. But I overheard that you are looking for work as informants. As luck would have it, not too long ago, I had a couple of guys who came to my place to buy unclaimed pawned jewelry. They said that they worked for FBI and DEA. You know that the informant never needs to make any observations or real conclusions. They just need to pass the tips over to the agencies for payment. Like a janitor was paid $1.5 million, a food delivery guy was paid a $1 million and a handyman received $750,000. They told me that there is big money in being informants on Muslims.

“You look like nice kids and in love. I want to help you. From which school you graduated? UCW? Fine. Like UCW too must be having a Muslim Students Association…I believe they must be calling them MSA…”

“Thanks. Among us we owe less than $200,000… 97432.59 for me and 102567.41 for her…”

“Guy, you will make more than a bit of change too after tearing up your loan papers! So, I was asking you that UCW has an MSA… You told me your majors… at least, you can create a few earthshaking stories. Once a newsletter from someplace MSA was misdelivered to my address, and I gleaned through it…

“Wow… thanks. We never thought about our campus MSA…”

“Like they hold open houses… like they arrange Friday prayers… like they have dinners on something they eedz [Eid]… Here are your opportunities. You can offer FBI to monitor their Friday sermons. Nowadays you have this Amazon… you can easily buy an Arab dress at offseason prices from unsold Halloween stuff… Here is your half a million…

“Let me digress here… for Trish, I have a super idea too… you know with these Afgan refugees dumped on us by Biden, surely, all those who have them, don’t need the burqas that the Taliban made them wear. They must be selling them like on eBay and all. You get a couple of ‘em. You can show FBI how you can be snooping on all these MSA girls cooking for community events… like you can give them analysis of what security risks are indicated if they are using more turmeric or coriander powder instead of coriander seeds. You knew people send signals through food. You too got a job, Trish!”

Tim and Trish raise their Bud Lite cans to toast Jim, “You got us jobs with job security.”